Laughter Is Essential

Long Time, No See

2006-08-15T02:02:00.000-04:00

I know I've been away for a while. I just can't be indoors on the internet when it is so nice outside. Got to enjoy the warm summery weather(yes, summery is a word :)! I've been going to festivals, out on the lake, visiting friends and family, and planning for my next trip. Mexico here I come, i think, if i can make up my mind. I've also been going to bridal showers. People need to stop getting married and having babies. My money only goes so far :). It's getting expensive. I have 3 weddings coming up, ugh. I'm also going back to school. I'm excited, but a little nervous too. I've been away from it for a while now and to think about having to study and take tests again is a little overwhelming. Not to mention the fact that now i have responsibilies and bills....i just can't go to school, but have to work full time too. I just keep telling myself people do it all the time. At least I don't have any kids yet, right. How is everyone's summer going?

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics

2006-05-24T19:30:00.000-04:00

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy an d follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence . and then a shotgun blast is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

2006-05-08T00:50:00.000-04:00

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

Finnegan, The Squirrel Photos

2006-04-30T14:54:00.000-04:00

Finnegan, The Squirrel

2006-04-30T14:43:00.000-04:00

For about as long as she can remember, Debby Cantlon says, friends and strangers have brought her animals in need. So it wasn't much of a surprise when someone asked her if she'd care for a newborn squirrel found at the base of a tree somewhere near Renton. Debby Cantlon, who plans to release Finnegan, the young squirrel, back into the wild, bottle-fed the infant squirrel after it was brought to her house. Cantlon, who has cancer, says rescuing injured animals is therapeutic for her. When Cantlon took in the tiny creature and began caring for him, she found herself with an unlikely nurse's aide: her pregnant Papillon, Mademoiselle Giselle. Finnegan was resting in a nest in a cage just days before Giselle was due to deliver her puppies. Cantlon and her husband watched as the dog dragged the squirrel's cage to her own bedside before she gave birth. Cantlon was concerned, yet ultimately decided to allow the squirrel out and the inter-species bonding began. Finnegan rides a puppy mosh pit of sorts, burrowing in for warmth after feeding, and eventually working his way beneath his new litter mates. Two days after giving birth, mama dog Giselle allowed Finnegan to nurse; family photos and a videotape show her encouraging him to suckle alongside her litter of five pups. Now, Finnegan mostly uses a bottle, but still snuggles with his "siblings" in a mosh pit of puppies, rolling atop their bodies and sinking in deeply for a nap. Finnegan and his new litter mates, five Papillion puppies, get along together as if they were meant to. Finnegan naps after feeding. Finnegan makes himself at home with his new litter mates, nuzzling nose-to-nose for a nap after feeding. "Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it being unhappy, dissatisfied, or anything less than you can be." "Too often are we so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey."

The Prescription

2006-04-25T01:52:00.000-04:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! You know, they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

2006-04-23T12:24:00.000-04:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The Truth

2006-04-07T01:53:00.000-04:00

Well, I was going to post this yesterday, but Blogger had other things in mind. Yesterday I saw the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It was really, really good. I highly recommend it. I think I'm going to buy it on DVD. The things they bring up in the movie are so true. It made we wonder if I've ever made any of those mistakes in the past. Of course the answer that I'm going to tell all of you is NO(wink,wink). For those of you that have seen it, I'm listening.....For those who haven't seen it yet, watch it, then tell me what you think. Come on, this will be fun :).

Hi

2006-04-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Haven't had anything exciting to talk about. For the past several weeks, I've been going to comedy shows. There's nothing like a good night of laughs to ease the stress of daily life :). The comedians were so funny. I laughed throughout the entire show. You know how they normally have staged people who are out in the audience, well last week there weren't any. Instead we had some hecklers in the audience. They were NOT part of the show. I have never been to a comedy club where they were so bad. At one point, I thought one of them was going to be escorted out. They were really mean and hateful, not funny. It doesn't matter how much they had been drinking, there's no excuse for that behavior. This weekend I saw the movie Failure To Launch. It was ok, but I guess I was expecting more. It wasn't a bad movie. It just could have been more funny, I thought. Has anyone seen it yet? Maybe it's just me :). It's hard to believe it's April already. Not complaining, I'm more than ready for nice, warm weather. Bring on spring and summer!! For those of you who don't have to worry about nasty, cold weather, you are extremely lucky. You have no idea how good you have it. Well I suppose I should do something productive today. Hope everyone had a good weekend!!!

New Husbands Store vs New Wives Store

2006-03-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Nursing Home

2006-03-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

2006 Calandar Year

2006-03-20T01:04:00.000-05:00

Here is the new proposed office policy for the 2006 Calendar year. Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Think Before You Speak!

2006-03-19T16:29:00.000-05:00

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did to, they were laughing so hard!

2006-03-19T00:51:00.000-05:00

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate ?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again."

What A Great Idea

2006-03-07T12:27:00.000-05:00

We all know that women have been held back and underpaid in the workplace. Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs.... The result...well....We all know that men never talk ...never look at each other...and never laugh much in the restroom.... The men's room is a serious and quiet place...But now with the addition of one mural on the wall...lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles....

I Have An Obsession

2006-03-06T01:36:00.000-05:00

First, I have to tell you of my haircut experience. Friday I decided it was time to get a trim. My hair is really thick and long, so I figured it was time to cut the dead ends off since it had been a month and a half ago. When i went, i told the hairstylist I just wanted a trim, not a cut. She asked how many inches I wanted off. I said whatever needed to be taken off. Remember, I specifically told her NO cut. So she must have been daydreaming during that part of the conversation and took off several inches of my hair!! It doesn't look bad, but I didn't want it to be this short. I just wanted the dead ends to be taken off! I know it's just hair, but I've been sad this weekend because of it. I know, pathetic. I'm starting to get over it. I know it looks ok, it just makes me mad when people don't do what you ask them. This brings me to my obsession, well kind of. For the past 2-2 1/2 weeks, I've been going to the hair salon to get my hair done every other day. I haven't been washing my hair myself. I love getting my hair done, but I think I'm going a little over board. I don't want to think about the money factor, but I know they're not doing it for free. I go to several different salons, so that it doesn't look quite so bad. No one knows this, not even my close friends or family members, but now you all do. I know I need to stop, but getting my hair done makes me happy and it's very relaxing, but I'm not rich. I know I need to stop going so often, but it's like an addiction. It could be worse, but going at least 3 times a week adds up. It's pretty bad when the hair stylists start getting to know you really well. I'm sure they like it, more money for them, if only they could give me a discount :).

You Know What I'm Talking About

2006-03-03T02:22:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm way over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music,you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! ! ;We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .. Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up . we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The 30 Something crowd!

2006-03-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

Ooooh, Sunset

2006-02-25T17:03:00.000-05:00

Just Want Some Sleep

2006-02-22T03:16:00.000-05:00

I was really going to write a nice post, but I'm a little distracted. OK, truthfully, a lot distracted. My neighbors are having sex right this very minute! I really need to go to sleep....have to work tomorrow, but they're keeping me up :). This reminds me so much of college. Oh the memories :). I think they may be done FINALLY. Maybe I should move to a house, that way you can't hear the bed shaking, moaning, etc. At least they're having a fun night. Haha! Damn it, they're not done yet!! Why me?

2006-02-20T02:24:00.000-05:00

Wedding

2006-02-08T12:44:00.000-05:00

I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and finally found a dress to wear for it. I absolutely love it. It's a turquoise color and strapless. It reminds me of being in the islands. I bought it at a bridal store and what I thought was only going to cost me $200(with alterations) ended up being more than that. The dress itself was $150(not including tax), but the alterations were $110. They had to do more than just hem the bottom. I AM going to be wearing this dress more than just once! Now if only I could find silver shoes to go with it. I didn't think it was going to be this hard to find simple silver shoes with not too much of a heel. I can't wear high heels. All I'm finding are high heels!! I found one that was the perfect size, but it was a little bit fancy. If I can't find anything else, I'll get them, but it's not what I really want. The joys of being a bridesmaid :). I know you feel my pain :).

Electric Chair

2006-02-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

Now They're Having A Bad Day

2006-02-04T02:09:00.000-05:00

Things That Make You Go Huh?!

2006-02-03T02:55:00.000-05:00

It's The Little Things.....

2006-01-31T00:57:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't take a lot to entertain me. I was at the store the other day when I noticed they had, get this, blue grocery carts. How cool is that! Haha! At least I thought it was and laughed out loud all by myself. Why hasn't someone thought of this before? Why not have blue, purple, red, yellow, green, etc., multicolored, poka dots, stripes, the list goes on grocery carts? You could pick which cart you were in the mood for that day and could even color coordinate, I know what you're thinking, oh the possibities. You know, maybe I have come up with an idea that will make me rich, shhh, nobody tell anyone and I'll share the wealth :). Here comes retirement!!

Please Tell Me I'm Not Too Weird

2006-01-29T23:09:00.000-05:00

I went to buy some storage containers this weekend. I'm trying to better organize some of my things. Anyways, I was at the store and had to check every single container that they had from top to bottom to find the "perfect" ones for me. I didn't want one with any scratches or what I like to call bruises on it. The same went for all of the lids. If there was any one with the slightest defect, no matter how small, it was back to the search or hunt. Is this normal or am I just a little obsessive? I kept looking around making sure no one was watching me. I do the same thing with anything I buy, whether it be clothing, shoes, or for that matter storage containers. I think I get this trait from my dad. He taught me about the clothes thing, which I don't see anything wrong with that. But am I going too far?

2006-01-27T19:55:00.000-05:00

Resolutions You Can Actually Keep...

2006-01-27T01:36:00.000-05:00

10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 6. Procrastinate more. 5. Drink. Drink some more. 4. Start being superstitious. 3. Spend more time at work. 2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least... 1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

2006-01-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

Tag Your It, From Liz

2006-01-24T02:02:00.000-05:00

4 jobs you have had: 1. kindergarten teacher 2. horse carriage driver 3. fireworks/crafts store "clerk" 4. grocery bagger(the worst job ever!) 4 movies you could watch over and over: 1. Stand By Me 2. Beetle Juice 3. Chicago 4. Sling Blade 4 TV shows you like to watch: 1. Everybody Loves Raymond 2. Will and Grace 3. Distraction 4. Growing Up... 4 favorite books: 1. Tuesdays With Morrie 2. Little Women 3. not sure 4. don't read very much 4 places you have been on vacation: 1. Florida 2. Carribean 3. New York 4. California 4 websites you visit daily: 1. Yahoo 2. Blogger 3. Google 4. local newspaper's site 4 favorite foods: 1. steak 2. spaghetti 3. tacos 4. chili 4 places you would rather be right now: 1. some place warm 2. on a beach 3. on a cruise 4. sailing on the lake 4 Bloggers you tag: 1. whoever wants to participate 2. you know you want to 3. come on, join the fun 4. it's very tempting, i know :)

Florida

2006-01-19T12:37:00.000-05:00

I know I've been such a bad blogger lately. I have been so busy that I really haven't had much time to be on here. My trip to Florida went well. I got back last week. It was so much fun! Of course, I picked the coldest week to go. The first two days it was in the upper 50's, the it warmed up in the 60's, and of course the day we leave it was back in the mid 70's, but it was still warmer than it was here. Right by our hotel there was this place called Old Tyme. It had very unique shops, a couple of bars , and a really old amusement park. It was set in the 50's and they even played 50's music outside. One night we happened to be there on biker night. I'm not kidding, there were a couple of thousand of bikers that were there. They were all showing off their bikes and having fun. I kind of felt out of place considering I by no means had any leather on and didn't bring my bike(which I don't have) with me. I really should have taken pictures. This place even had a fake bull that you could ride on in the street. It was like a tiny town that had locals. It was too funny. Never did I imagine this place being in Orlando :), technically Kissimmee. The mini marathon went well, everyone finished. The next day we watched the full marathon. No one looked like they were having fun. Why do we do that to ourselves? I guess it's because so we can say that we did it. Running a full marathon doesn't sound like fun to me though :). I went to the Magic Kingdom, MGM Studios, and Epcot. Didn't get to see everything that I wanted to see, but had a great time. We saw this light show at MGM. It was amazing!!!! I have never seen anything like it. The story line was Mickey Mouse was having dreams about the disney characters in the movies and the disney villians were trying to give Mickey nightmares. It's hard to explain, but the show had live characters, a water show, and this light show where if you didn't know any better looked like you were watching a plasma TV screen. The show was called Fantasma, so check it out if you decide to go in the near future. The last day, the day we're supposed to leave, there ended up being a shooting at a restaurant across the street. No one could come in or leave the area. The cops were looking for him. We were at the pool when we noticed helicopters flying overhead and hovering around us. We watched them for a while than decided maybe we should go inside. Obviously they thought the shooter was somewhere near the area, and with all the palm trees around the hotel, maybe it wasn't a good idea to be outside. 4 hours later, they ended up finding the guy. He shot himself in his car. Apparently, he also shot at a police officer and may have been involved in some car jackings. This isn't supposed to happen at the happiest place on earth!!! Everytime I go on vacation, there's never a dull moment. Luckily, we didn't miss our plane, but our shuttle did arrive an hour late due to the shooting.

EWWW

2006-01-18T17:15:00.000-05:00

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The ballon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

A New Year

2006-01-03T02:31:00.000-05:00

While everyone else was out having fun on New Years Eve, I was stuck being on call for work. I couldn't drink until the countdown and really couldn't even go to the bars because of all the smoke. If I got called in, smelling like smoke wouldn't be a good thing. I did get to drink 3 glasses of champagne and a mixed drink for the New Year, but that's it. Next year I'm going out and partying!! I finally saw King Kong. That was sooo good! The special effects were amazing and yes I did get a little teary-eyed at the end, even though i knew it was coming. If you haven't seen it yet, GO SEE IT!!! I mean that in the nicest way of course :). I am so excited! I leave for Florida on Thursday. I'm ready for a mini vacation. I won't be going to the beach on this trip though :(. I will be going to Disney World. I haven't been there in a while! The main reason why I'm going to Florida is to support the Leukemia race. I know several people who will be running in it, so I'm supporting them and the cause. As far as what else we will be doing, only time will tell :). If anyone wants to come on down, go for it. You know what they say, the more the merrier :). Happy New Year! I hope 2006 is a better year.

2005 Is Almost Over!

2005-12-30T02:45:00.000-05:00

How was everyone's Christmas? My x-mas weekend went well, for the most part. I always celebrate x-mas on Christmas Eve on one side of the family and Christmas Day on the other side. On Christmas eve, there was some family drama. Can't have a holiday without drama, you know :). There was some arguing and crying, but other than that it was good. My cousin announced that his girlfriend is pregnant. About time! She was starting to show. That will make 3 babies in the family. I had the "when are you going to have a baby" discussion again. This time it was with my cousins. I told them whenever I find the right man to have one with!! I think I am going to do a little shopping tomorrow and use some of my gift cards. I want to go see a movie tomorrow night too. There are a lot of good movies out! I still haven't seen King Kong. I'll probably go see that movie Friday night, since I've been waiting and waiting :). I can't believe that Saturday is New Years Eve!!! I really want to go out that night, but have to work. I hope we're not that busy, so I can get off early. I've heard that 2006 is supposed to be the end of the world. Haha! So let's go out with a bang :)!

Have A Merry Christmas!

2005-12-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

I won't get a chance to be on my blog this weekend, so I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas early. I have to work tomorrow morning, then it's off to do the Christmas thing on my dad's side. Then on Christmas day, we celebrate it on my mom's side. I'm officially done shopping and even wrapping. I wrapped all of the gifts last night, what a pain. Next year I think I'm going to pay someone to gift wrap for me :). I still haven't seen the movie King Kong yet. I would like to go see it tonight if I can. The anticipation is building up! Anyways, have a wonderful Christmas and try not to get into any fights with the relatives :). You can't trade them in for a newer model.

5 Random Facts That Most People Don't Know About Me

2005-12-19T01:55:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged by the scandalous Nicki. In order to not hurt her feelings and show "the love" back, I've decided to tough it out. #1-I used to always wear a bra unless I was sleeping. Now I hate to wear one and only do when I absolutely have to, like at work. #2-I like to dance all sexy in front of a mirror when the radio is on at home. Once I almost got caught in the act. #3-I used to never cry, even at funerals. Then when I went to college all that changed. I have no problem crying on any occassion now. #4-I take the longest showers. The quickest shower that I have ever taken is 20 minutes and that was a record for me. #5-I have to triple, even quadruple, check my alarm just to make sure it's set right, even though I know it is. I realize I may have an obsession. Now I guess I have to tag 5 other people. I apologize in advance. I am going to tag dazzlingdimwit, spider girl, ben o., xtine, and jessica.

I'm Back, Whether You Like It Or Not

2005-12-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

I know i've been a bad blogger this week. I've been so busy with work and Christmas shopping! I'm so proud of myself. Normally I wait until the weekend before Christmas to buy everything, but this year I got an early start for me and now I'm inches away from being done. I just can't believe that it's next Sunday!!! Where has the time gone? I love buying Christmas gifts for people. I have so much fun shopping for others. I always say I'm going to spend less, but my thought is Christmas only comes once a year so why not splurge a little or in some cases a lot. The one thing, that I hate and am dreading, is wrapping the presents. I am NOT a good gift wrapper and it's going to be painful for me to wrap all of these gifts. I'm not the person who doesn't cut enough paper to wrap all of the gift but just the opposite. What can I say, my gift wrapping skills haven't improved over the years :). Fighting the holiday traffic hasn't been fun. People become crazed monsters during the holiday season. Whether they're driving or shopping, it's everyone for themselves. No wonder there are so many wrecks! Last year I pissed a driver off and he started chasing me. Nothing like a little road rage to add to the excitement of the Christmas season. I really can't wait until Christmas! I think I'm just as bad as a kid. I can't help it, Christmas is my favorite holiday and I always enjoy seeing all of the little ones get so excited when they open their presents. That's what it's all about! Well, anyways, tommorrow is Monday. I'm not ready yet! I think I'm just going to retire early and have fun in the sun from now on :)!!!! Anybody care to join me?

Are You Ready For This? The Much Anticipated Answers To The How Clever Are You Questions

2005-12-12T03:25:00.000-05:00

Below are four (4) ! questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy! a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

Fun Filled Weekend

2005-12-12T03:01:00.000-05:00

I was so proud of myself this weekend. I actually started Christmas shopping. Normally, I wait till the weekend before Christmas, but this year i wanted it to be as stress-free as possible. Friday and Sunday was spent shopping. I still have a lot to do, but at least I got a good head start. Saturday night I went to 2 parties, one was a work Christmas party(got to love those). I hate it when people want to talk about work during a party. Toward the beginning, I felt like I was at a staff meeting. Once those people left, it was a lot of fun. We played the game Cranium. I never played it before and I have to admit I felt really stupid during it. I'm horrible at trivia and creativity is not my strong point :). Needless to say, my team lost miserably. It was still fun though. On Sunday night, I saw the the movie, The Chronicles of Narnia. I liked it! I know I read the book as a kid, but I really didn't remember what it was about. So when I watched the movie, I had no idea what was going to happen. All I knew was that some children would find a magical wardrobe and it would lead them into a place called Narnia. Ooops, I think I gave away the movie :).

Let's find out just how clever you really are

2005-12-10T12:22:00.000-05:00

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy! a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2005-12-09T14:39:00.001-05:00

2005-12-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

2005-12-09T14:38:00.000-05:00

2005-12-09T14:26:00.000-05:00

A Riddle

2005-12-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

A man is found unconscious in a field. Next to him is a rock. What happened?

Super Hero

2005-12-05T02:10:00.000-05:00

I probably shouldn't admit this, but I watched the movie Sky High tonight. No one would watch it with me, so I had to watch it by my lonesome self. Oh well! It was actually a really cute movie. I recommend it, even though it is a Disney movie :). Anyways, it had me thinking. If you could be a super hero and have super powers, what kind of power would you want to have? Be careful what you wish for!

'Ugly dog' Sam dies at 14

2005-12-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Canine gained celebrity as winner of ugliest animal contest Sam, dog whose ugliness earned him TV appearances, limousine rides and even a meeting with millionaire Donald Trump, has died. The pooch with the hairless body, crooked teeth and sparse tuft of hair atop his knobby head died Friday, just short of his 15th birthday, said his owner, Susie Lockheed. "I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," she said, adding wryly, "Some people would think that's a good thing." Sam became an international celebrity after winning the ugliest animal contest at the 2003 Sonoma-Marin Fair in California -- a victory he twice repeated. The purebred Chinese crested hairless made appearances on TV in Japan, radio in New Zealand and in Britain's Daily Mirror tabloid, stayed in luxury hotels and met Trump on a talk show set. Lockheed marketed his visage on T-shirts, a calendar and even a coffee "ugly mug." At the time of his death, Sam was scheduled to be filmed for a Discovery Channel series on the world's ugliest species. Lockheed said she was initially terrified of Sam, who is also blind, when she agreed to take him in as a rescue six years ago on a 48-hour trial basis. Although she fell in love with him, his appearance repulsed her then-boyfriend and prompted the man to break up with her. Later, however, Sam became a matchmaker by bringing together Lockheed and her current beau, who saw a picture of the two on an online dating site. Lockheed said she had Sam euthanized after a veterinarian told her Sam's heart was failing. She said she's felt a little lost ever since, and is sleeping with Sam's favorite toy -- a stuffed bear he picked up and carried home. "I have snuggled Sam under my blankets on my bed for six years," said Lockheed, who has three other dogs named TatorTot, TinkerBell and PixieNoodle.

2005-11-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

You're Bubble Gum! You are sweet and fun and always
love to have a good time!

What type of Candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Here Comes Christmas

2005-11-28T18:01:00.000-05:00

Well, Thanksgiving is over. For once, I didn't eat too much going from house to house. It was actually an eventful Thanksgiving. Found out that my cousin's girlfriend is pregnant, that makes 3 little ones that will be running around next year on one side of the family. One of my cousin's already had a baby, she's almost 5 months now and my other cousin's wife is expecting this December. Babies are in the air, I guess :). On the other side, my cousin finally showed up to a family function. I literally haven't seen her in YEARS! I can't even remember when the last time that I saw her was. It's been a while. There was something else that happened, but memory loss is kicking in. Haha! Now it's time to start thinking about Christmas. It's less than a month away!! I haven't put up any Christmas decorations yet, but will do it this coming weekend. It's time to break out the holiday music, to get me in the Christmas spirit. I don't want to wait till the last minute to start Christmas shopping, like I do every year. I also enjoy looking at all the Christmas lights and watching the holiday movies. Maybe I'll even sit on Santa's lap this year! J/K, that's a little too creepy :).

Adventures

2005-11-21T02:20:00.000-05:00

I finally got to drink my sweet tea on Friday! OK, so maybe I have an addiction, but it has been 2 WEEKS since I had any. It was soooo good! Well worth the wait. I'm not going to drink it daily anymore, but will still drink some every week. I've gotten a lot of compliments on my teeth, so it was definately well worth the money. Saturday I went to a surprise birthday party. They had a bonfire, wine, and plenty of beer. I hadn't been to a bonfire at all this season, so I was excited. The past 2 times that I could have gone, I was either working or already had plans. People drunk, around a fire, throwing anything that they could find in it, probably doesn't mix very well. At one point, I thought I was going to have to save this guy that was about ready to fall in the fire! It was fun, met a lot of people. Tonight a cop pulled me over. Now for once I wasn't going over the speed limit, so I had no clue why he flashed his lights at me. OK, to be honest, I did notice him behind me tailgating...I was a little pissed...so I was going well below the speed limit. This must have made him mad, because that was why he pulled me over. I was thinking isn't there something else that you could be doing with your time..I mean really. So anyways, he blinded me with his flashlight as he asked me if this was my car, if I had any weapons or paraphanalia, if I had been drinking. I may have given him a little attitude and was laughing at him because I still didn't get why he insisted on pulling me over. I hate it when cops think they are the shit and can get away with anything. I'm not saying that there aren't any good ones out there, I know some, but the bad ones give them a bad rap. Like the ones who use their headlights and sirens to go through a red stoplight, just to get through it then turn everything off, or the ones who dangerously speed on the interstate or the road. I've even seen some weave in and out of traffic. It's so ridiculous and it really irritates me. I better end this post before I get really mad.

Music and Cars

2005-11-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

As I was driving today, I couldn't help but notice a guy who was "getting down" in his car. He was bouncing up and down to the music and was all about using his hands. It was very funny, talk about cheap entertainment :). I was so sad when we had to go our separate ways. Haha! Now I admit I have been known to dance in the car singing to the music, but only on rare occassions(wink, wink). It has to be really upbeat music though, no love songs. It is funny how music affects your driving. I know the faster, more upbeat the music is, the faster my car moves. The slower the song, the more my car behaves. Its not me, my car has a mind of its own. At least that's what i tell the cops.

2005-11-17T03:23:00.000-05:00

Sex Stories

2005-11-17T03:03:00.000-05:00

I thought I would share some of the more embarrasing situations that either I or one of my coworkers have experienced working at the hospital. I seem to always run into men who are completed nude in the bathroom, ooops. Remember this is a hospital, there is such a thing as locking the door! We've caught people having sex on the chairbeds that we provide. About a month ago, we caught a mom, who was in her early 30's, having sex on the bed with her son's friend. That was uncalled for!! Last night we caught a couple having oral sex. These are just a few of the many stories of our unfortunate sexual encounters. I don't get people. I would NEVER have sex in a hospital. There is a time and place for everything and that's not it!!! You never know what you are going to run into. If it's not sex, it's masturbation, naked bodies, crazy and not all there people. And NO, I don't work in the psych department :).

Watch Out For The Bird Flu!

2005-11-15T12:50:00.000-05:00

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

It's The Little Things....

2005-11-15T02:13:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, i was craving ice cream. I really wanted chocolate chip, but really didn't want vanilla ice cream. I wondered why couldn't they make chocolate chip with chocolate ice cream. Well...guess what...they do! I was at the store tonight and Haagen-Dazs makes it. Needless to say, I'm very happy, enjoying my icecream :).

The Wizard of Oz

2005-11-15T01:17:00.000-05:00

The Two Headed Baby

2005-11-14T12:19:00.000-05:00

I was watching the Discovery Health Channel last night and came across this show about a 2 headed baby that was born in Egypt. The parents knew they were having twins but had no idea that one on the embryos started to split again but didn't completely separate. Triplets, not twins! The really interesting thing was that the 3rd baby was connected to the second baby's head and it had a brain but not really a body. It had reflexes and showed emotions different from what the second baby was feeling. But the 3rd baby was a parasite to the second baby and the second baby, which was a girl, wouldn't live if she wasn't separarated from the human parasite(those aren't my words, but the show's words). They ended up separating the two and of course the 3rd baby died but the girl amazingly didn't. She beat all the odds. This was such an amazing story that I had to tell. If you get a chance, you should watch it. I know they do replay shows during the week. I'm not sure if they will this one, but if they do it's definately worth watching.

The Trial Lawyer

2005-11-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea". And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give to you?

I Don't Know If I'm Going To Make It!

2005-11-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard of Zoom? It's where you can get your teeth whitened in one hour. I had it done on Friday and my teeth were very sensitive for the first 24 hours. I wouldn't recommend doing it if you have very sensitive teeth. The process itself isn't painful, but definately uncomfortable. Not to mention hours later your teeth become sensitive. I thought that you couldn't drink any dark liquids for the first 24 hours, but found out it's for 2 WEEKS! That means no sweet tea for me. It was kind of funny and sad but on Day 2 I drove by the restaurant where I normally get it and it was killing me that I couldn't have it. That was Day 2!! This is going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life!!! I have to get my whitening trays tomorrow. It will all be worth it in the end, but in the meantime I might go insane :).

And We Wonder Why We Have Nightmares......

2005-11-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

In the News...Revealing human ignorance, stupidity, and really bad luck one story at a time

2005-11-03T01:07:00.000-05:00

Man Wakes Up With a Bullet in His Tongue Wed Jun 22,11:29 AM ET JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Police say a man who woke up with a serious headache walked 12 blocks to a hospital with a swollen lip and powder burns. Doctors discovered the problem. 47-year-old Wendell Coleman had a bullet lodged in his tongue. Coleman told police that a woman stuck a gun barrel in his mouth during a dispute around 2:30 Tuesday morning and that he heard the gun go off. Police say Coleman then went home to sleep. What authorities did with the bullet wasn't clear last night. Man Drives Home with Headless Friend Mon Aug 30,11:46 AM ET ATLANTA (Reuters) - A Georgia man who drove home with a friend's headless body after a truck accident then went to bed while the remains dangled out the window faces charges including vehicular homicide and drunk driving, police said on Monday. John Hutcherson, covered in blood and visibly inebriated, was arrested in bed on Sunday morning after a local resident out on a stroll observed a headless, bloody body hanging out of the 21-year-old man's truck, Cobb County police said. Hutcherson was due to make an initial court appearance on Monday. Police said that Hutcherson and his friend, identified as Francis Brohm, 23, were returning from a bar outside Atlanta early Sunday morning when their black 1992 Chevrolet Z-71 pickup hit a curb near a telephone pole. Brohm, partially outside the window at the time, was decapitated by a guide wire on the telephone pole, according to police, who recovered his head at the crash site. "Alcohol is believed to be a contributing factor," police said. Sexually frustrated chimpanzee takes up smoking, spitting in Chinese zoo Sun Aug 29, 9:34 AM ET BEIJING (AFP) - Visitors to the Zhengzhou Zoo in central China's Henan province who do not enjoy passive smoking, let alone being spat on, had better avoid the monkey cage. Thirteen-year-old chimpanzee Feili has turned to smoking, begging cigarettes from visitors and spitting on them when they do not comply, the Xinhua state news agency reported Sunday. Her fierce behavior is in reaction to being paired with a male, 28 years her senior, who seems to lack either the interest or the capability to satisfy her sexual demands, the agency said. Although Feili's behavior may seem outrageous, it is no more so than that of the people outside the cage, since she only took up her new habits after observing the visitors to the zoo, according to Xinhua. Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey Wed Sep 22, 8:44 AM ET KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian man shot and killed his wife after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in a tree behind their house, the New Straits Times said on Wednesday. The man, 70, is being held by police for causing death through recklessness after he fired a shotgun at what he thought was a monkey in a mangosteen tree on Monday, the newspaper said. His wife, 68, had used a ladder to climb into the tree and was picking the tropical fruit when she was shot. She was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital, the paper said. The couple lived in central Malaysia and had raised 13 children.

Time Flies

2005-11-02T02:36:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T13:02:00.000-05:00

This Weekend

2005-10-30T04:23:00.000-05:00

Let's see....what have I been doing this Halloween weekend? Watching a lot of scary movies. I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the first time. Good movie! The person who was watching it with me was screaming like a girl throughout the entire movie. It was quite funny considering he was a guy. I, on the other hand, didn't scream or hide, wasn't scared at all. It takes a lot to scare me when watching a movie. I was thinking about getting all dressed up and going to one of the many halloween bashes at the bars, but decided not to. I probably should have gone, it would have been a lot of fun, but instead stayed in and had a movie marathon. I don't go to haunted houses anymore. They don't scare me, so why spend a lot of money to go. I heard the song The Monster Mash on the radio today. I love that song, it gets you in the Halloween mood. I hope everyone is having a fun Halloween weekend!

The Psychiatric Hotline

2005-10-27T01:26:00.000-05:00

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

What Is That!?!

2005-10-27T01:22:00.000-05:00

Quotes

2005-10-25T03:04:00.000-05:00

"We only want what we can't have but never know what we've got 'till it's gone." "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." "Life isn't about the rules you break, but the risks you take." "Don't let your past memories and mistakes take over on your judgement for the future." "May your life be like toilet paper....long and useful."

Michael Jackson-Thriller

2005-10-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

All American Rejects-Dirty Little Secrets

2005-10-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

Aerosmith-Livin' On The Edge

2005-10-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

The Chippendale

2005-10-20T02:01:00.000-05:00

The Chippendale

2005-10-20T01:59:00.000-05:00

The Chippendale

2005-10-20T01:56:00.000-05:00

The Future Chippendales

2005-10-20T01:54:00.000-05:00

I Can Relate To This One

2005-10-19T02:14:00.000-05:00

How Cute

2005-10-18T03:23:00.000-05:00

Coldplay-In My Place

2005-10-16T15:40:00.000-05:00

You might be a child of the 80's if......

2005-10-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

You wanted to be on Star Search. (Didn't we all?) You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack." You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer." You'll always hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future." You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name." You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants. You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.") You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince." You ever wore fluorescent—neon if you will—clothing... You could breakdance, or wished you could. You know who Max Headroom is. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song. You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video gaming system. You own any cassettes or albums. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear glass collection from Pizza Hut. "Poltergeist" totally freaked you out. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. You wanted to communicate with Synergy, or you wanted green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits. See Jem. You inserted the word "like" into, like, every sentence. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare. You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. You had Wonder Woman or Superman Underoos. You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids" (and perhaps still have a collection of them). Extra point You have seen the Garbage Pail Kids TV show. (Only one episode was aired.) Punks actually "shocked" people. You wanted to be The Hulk or Rainbow Brite for Halloween. You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!" You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was. You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time). You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "When I was younger" "When I was your age" "You know, back when..." "Because I SAID so, that's why" "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to." Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance. You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons. You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time. Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting." When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end. You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did. You have ever called 867-5309. You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Cameron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall. You held the top score on Pac-Man. You HAD to have your MTV. You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool. You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene. You thought "Weird Science" was a masterpiece. Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies. You actually know who Rick Springfield is. You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool. Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was radical to the max, but did it anyhow.

A Hard Day's Work

2005-10-13T03:36:00.000-05:00

Halloween Pranks

2005-10-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like a prank except when it comes back to bite you in the ass :)! We always decorate our unit at work, Halloween is no exception. We have this realistic looking fake spider, which I hate. It really creeps me out. So anyways I first noticed it looking at me earlier last week. I had to tell one of my coworkers to pick it up and move it out of sight. There was no way I was going to touch the thing! The spider also creeped out another person, so it wasn't just me :). In the middle of the week, I thought wouldn't it be fun to prank the other person who was scared of it too. So with an accomplice we hid it and waited for her reaction. Let's just say she almost wet her pants, a job well done :). The next day 3 people got me back big time, including her. They hid it on my purse, scared the shit out of me, put it in a drawer, and touched my hair with it, not funny. So she did get her revenge, 3 times!!! This guy that I work with thought it would be funny if we put tape on it, so that it would stick on the wall. I didn't find that at all funny. I still can't touch it, even though I know it is fake. I can't get to close to it either. It's the most realistic looking fake spider that I have seen. It really does scare me. I hate spiders! Great, now I have to go back to work today and see it again :(.

Starting Young

2005-10-06T02:22:00.000-05:00

Dreams

2005-10-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered why you dream some of the things that you do? I mean really, where do you come up with it! I always love the feel good dreams, where you wake up and wish real life was just like that. Sometimes I get so upset when I do wake up from a dream. Why can't you ever fall back asleep and continue the good dreams, but when you have the bad ones you can't get rid of them? My bad dreams always involve someone trying to kill me and of course I'm always running or hiding. I know everyone has dreams like those. I hate the sad dreams, the ones where someone that you love is going to die. You wake up and feel all depressed. Luckily, I only have had 2 of those. I really like the kinds where you know that you are dreaming and can change the outcome. I think that is the closest that I'll ever come to being a super hero :). I think that the only kind of dreams that we should have are the good ones. Then again, if that were the case, we would never want to wake up. Forget the real world!!

Naughty Cops

2005-09-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

What Will Walk In The Door Next!!

2005-09-30T00:41:00.000-05:00

I love working in the hospital, you never know what craziness you'll see. This week one of the ER nurses came up to the unit and told us about one of the patients that came in to the ER. He was a transexual, who had the surgery, and came into the hospital with a bloated stomach. The reason why he came in was because he seriously thought he was pregnant! I mean, come on, how in your right mind could you really think that it would even be possible for you to carry a baby. I guess that is what makes our world interesting. There are all kinds of people out there. You know, before I started working in a hospital, I always thought that everyone had common sense. Guess what, I was wrong. I remember one time I had a first time mom, who by the way wasn't young, who had no clue how to take care of a baby. The baby was 1 month old and was malnourished. The mom only fed her once a day and never woke her up in the middle of the night to eat. She didn't even know that you needed to burp babies and had no idea how to change a diaper. We spent days with her explaining how to take care of her child and even wrote out step by step instructions before she left. I still wonder whatever happened to them. Hopefully, both of them are alive and doing well. A couple of months ago, I had another first time mom, who was in her 40's, ask me why the baby wouldn't sleep for her during the middle of the night. She assumed it was because he was sick. When she found out that babies at that age shouldn't sleep through the night and needed to eat every couple of hours, her exact words were "You've got to be kidding!". What did she expect? There are so many other fun stories I could share, like the patients who like to expose themselves to me, the witchcraft girl, let's not forget the exorcist girl, etc... Let's just say there's never a dull moment :).

More Ghosts

2005-09-27T01:24:00.000-05:00

I promised you all that I would put up another post about ghosts, so here we go. My grandpa died when I was really young, 3 years old, so I really don't remember him very much. He's the one that I'm talking about in my Drunk Monkeys post. One day, in broad daylight, my mom was in the house cleaning, cooking, or taking care of me when she thought she heard the sound of my grandpa's voice. Needless to say, she was a little freaked out. So she immediately went outside and saw a full body image of him in the middle of the road. She called to him, he turned and then just disappeared. She yelled for my dad to come and asked him if he had seen anything. Of course he didn't. He was busy working in the backyard. We think my grandpa was just checking up on us. Making sure we were all doing ok. My aunt's old house used to be haunted. One night, my cousin was sound asleep on the couch when she stirred. She saw a face looking at her. She screamed for my aunt and uncle. The image of the face was gone when they came into the roon. After that incident, my aunt saw a full body image wandering the hallway during the middle of the night. They still to this day don't know if both of the images were of one person or two. Recently, my cousin died. Her youngest, who's 3 years old, will be playing and will go under the cabinets or in the closet. When you ask him what he is doing he says he's playing with mommy. Also one night, when everyone was asleep, one of his toys started playing music. My aunt went down to the basement to see what was going on and it just stopped. She went back upstairs and minutes later the music would be playing again. Finally, after about 5 times of doing this, she told my deceased cousin to stop. Her son was sound asleep and couldn't play with her. I guess we should be happy that people are watching out for us, even from beyond the grave.

Urban Legends

2005-09-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

Ghosts

2005-09-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

The month of October is fastly approaching, so why not put a post up on ghosts. Do you believe in them? I most definately do. My relatives and I have had experiences with them before. They've mostly been deceased relatives coming back to say I'm still here :). I think the most annoying experience that I had was my lamp kept coming on during the middle of the night. As soon as I would turn it off, minutes later it would turn back on. When you're trying to sleep, it's not a good thing. Recently, I was at my house and the tv decides to turn itself on, no reason just felt like it. I know what you're thinking, the light bulb in the lamp could need changed, nope brand new, no short. There was nothing wrong with the tv, just happened. I could tell you more freaky things about actually seeing real ghosts, etc. but I'll stop here for now. I'll post the more freaky stories later. The more solid evidence that yes there are ghosts.

Funny Pranks-Office Space

2005-09-23T18:28:00.000-05:00

Funny Pranks-Sling Blade

2005-09-23T18:25:00.000-05:00

Can You Believe This!

2005-09-23T13:37:00.000-05:00

Babies, Babies, Babies

2005-09-21T01:53:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying I love my parents. They mean well....It started a couple of months ago. I was craving pie crust(I know weird) so I went to the store and bought some. While I was there, I started craving cherries, then whipped cream. So when I got home, I made a little "pie". I put whipped cream all over the naked crust and put a bunch of cherries on top of it. Are you getting a visual? Lets just say it was sickening. I ate some, but not all of it. So anyways a couple of days later, somehow I got on the subject with my mom. The first thing out of her mouth was "are you pregnant". NO!! Of all people, she should know my weird cravings that I get. Although, if I was pregnant, it would have given me a good reason why I ate "my creation" to begin with. So anyways, over these past 2 months, all of a sudden both of my parents have casually brought up the subject, at different times, of wanting to be grandparents. My dad has mentioned it twice. My mom has 3 times. They're acting as if I'm in my mid 30's and still hasn't had any kids. Anyone can have kids. I'm trying to wait for the right guy to come around and be a little more financially secure. I'm trying to do it "the right way". I really don't want to be a single parent raising kids on my own. I will eventually have children! Got to love 'em :).

Why Me?

2005-09-19T00:22:00.000-05:00

I was casually looking at other blogs when I came across this website. It's for men and women who are looking for sex, just sex no strings attached. If you're into men you can select which size penis you want, whether it's circumcised or not, their age, and race. If you're into women, you can select which size bust and cup you want, their age, and race. It comes with nude photos and pretty graphic pictures for your pleasure. My question is what type of person would actually use this site. I probably don't even want to know.

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

2005-09-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT." AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED. SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED.

Drunk Monkeys

2005-09-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken on a cruise that I went to a couple of years ago. This monkey loved drinking other people's alcohol. He would try to take your cup away from you. It was very funny! I'm a huge animal lover. I like MOST animals. Spiders, bugs, snakes, rats, and mice scare me. We just don't get along. Speaking about different animals, when my mom was a kid, my grandpa would bring home the craziest things from winning poker. One time he brought home a squirrel monkey. They kept him, the monkey not my grandpa, in a birdcage. Can you imagine a monkey in a birdcage! The monkey loved alcohol, especially beer. My grandpa would give him beer all the time. One night, he drank so much that he got drunk. The next day my mom and her siblings found "the little guy" dead. He drank too much alcohol for his little body. Poor monkey :(.

Crack of Dawn

2005-09-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

It's late and I'm still wide awake. I have a meeting to go to at 7:30am and just can't make myself go to bed. So this brings me to the discussion of being a morning person vs. being a nightowl. I am obviously a nightowl. Normally, I don't have to get up early for my job. I could stay up all hours of the night, you would think i was back in college. This creates a problem when I do have to get up early for something. I do good if I can fall asleep by 1am. Normally, I can't fall asleep till 2-3am. It's ok being a nightowl on the weekends, but during the week what's the point. I don't wake up till late the next day and don't get a lot accomplished before work. I've never been a morning person though. I'm not one of those people that wake up all refreshed and ready to start the day. It takes all my effort just to jump in the shower, I know pathetic. I think once I have kids I'll get used to not getting that much sleep. For now, I think I need to find a happy medium.

Cravings

2005-09-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

Don't you hate it when you really crave something and you know that there is no way you're going to get it. Last night I had a craving for caramel brownies, but it was way too late to go to the grocery and make them. A couple days ago, I bought these iced fudge brownies. They were buy one get one free. They were horrible! I don't know how they made them, but I didn't see any fudge in them whatsoever. They resembled more of a cake than a brownie, which isn't good since it was supposed to be a brownie. The icing wasn't even good. I didn't know there was a way to screw up icing, but guess what there is. So now I'm stuck with these awful brownies and still haven't gotten my caramel brownies!

Why Are People Stupid?

2005-09-11T02:34:00.000-05:00

I must have a guardian angel. This weekend I almost was hit by a car 5 different times during the same night. Two of my biggest pet driving peeves are weaving in and out of traffic and tailgating. Some people don't have any common sense when it comes to driving. They're just waiting to get into an accident. To be honest, I never drive the speed limit. I admit I have a left foot, but I AM a safe driver. There are some people who just shouldn't be driving. Sometimes if I get really frustrated and annoyed, I like to get even with them. For example, if they're trying to pass me or pass another car that is in the lane beside me, I'll speed up. That way they can't get around. Another example, if they're tailgating me, I'll slow down and wait until they are a safe distance away from me and then speed up. I never do anything that could be dangerous or could cause a wreck. Just trying to prove a point, don't mess with me.